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The Weird Things That People Put on Their Cars

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"About as much fun as a bag of weasels"...when I first saw this Irish adage, it made me think of the life of a writer: sometimes perilous, sometimes painful, certainly interesting. My paper journal has always been called "The Bag of Weasels." This is the Bag of Weasels' online home.

The Weird Things That People Put on Their Cars

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wtf
This morning, I saw what might not be the weirdest bumpersticker but certainly the most disturbing that I've seen in a while:

My Family Is Covered in the Blood of Jesus

Does this sound utterly horrifying to anyone else but me? Like this guy's family was part of the murder of Jesus and now stand around covered in his blood? I mean, it's not something like "washed in the blood of Jesus" but "covered," which--to me--is evocative of new stories about a grisly crime: "The murder weapon was found covered in blood.."

Ick.

I am something of a connoisseur where bumperstickers are concerned, I'll admit. I read people's bumperstickers while riding in the car or walking through parking lots; I'll go out of my way to drive behind someone who has a lot of bumperstickers or one that looks interesting but is not easily read from afar.

Probably the weirdest wasn't a sticker but was painted directly onto the back of a dumptruck:

Dumpin With The Lord

Well, I'm sure the Lord is just thrilled that this guy is out dumpin with him. Bobby and I saw this one years ago and laugh about it still to this day. One time, one of us mentioned it to the other in earshot of his (Catholic) grandmother, and she got really upset, thinking that we were making a mockery of "the Lord." Ai.

The award for the funniest combination of bumper-art was the guy who had a giant decal of Jesus taking up the entire back window of his SUV. The only other adornment on his vehicle, directly below Jesus's sweet, tormented face:

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student

This was interesting to me. I'm not a Christian so I'm always learning new things about Christianity, like the fact that it's possible to like Jesus and also support the beating up of socially inept geeks simply because a few of their brain cells talk to each other. Wow! Somehow, I always had trouble picturing Jesus making a proclamation that would lend any such idea, but what do I know?

Of course, I can't let myself off so easily. The bumper-art on the back of my car is intentionally ironic because it never hurts to poke fun at oneself so long as one does not poke hard or in the eye. I have two bumperstickers:

I Brake For Elves
and
Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Dragons, for You are Crunchy and Good with Ketchup

Immediately beneath those, I have a Reality Bites fish. If one in one hundred people gets the humor, my work here is done.
  • The Jesus bumper stickers combined with violent slogans are pretty scary. I am used to the Jesus and blood concept—grew up with “Sacred Heart” pictures with veins and arteries dripping in my first-grade classroom. I also vividly recall an x-rated Jesus-taken-down-from-the-cross statue at a convent chapel in Louisville. Grisly, Mel Gibson style. I wonder if there might be something of psychological significance in the location?

    The “my son beat up your honor student” seems to be popular in Brooklyn. Don’t know if it is because there are a lot of geeky, intellectual kids (which there are) or because there are so many little thugs (plenty of those too).

    My daughter uses Baby Fingon as a place to post slogans, some from his perspective and others from hers. “No Justice, no sleep,” with a crib slashed out in the background; “I shall not be pacified;” then there is his black Che Guevara t-shirt which simply says “Revolution,” and “What happens at grandma’s stays at grandma’s” with a baby surrounded by things no baby should be allowed to eat or play with… L. claims she likes those as a way of expressing her distaste for the treacle-sweet standard baby one’s like “I ‘heart’ grandpa,” and “daddy’s little girl.”



    Edited at 2008-08-11 05:02 pm (UTC)
    • I am used to the Jesus and blood concept—grew up with “Sacred Heart” pictures with veins and arteries dripping in my first-grade classroom.

      Growing up in the Methodist Church, the sacred heart was always something that freaked me out a bit.

      I also vividly recall an x-rated Jesus-taken-down-from-the-cross statue at a convent chapel in Louisville.

      o_O On the x-rated version: My husband was raised Roman Catholic, was an altar boy, and attended the parish's grade school, but he has, umm, lapsed. When we attended a wedding at a Catholic church in Cincinnati, just upriver from Louisville, he remarked on the heavily robed figure of JC on the crucifix and how that reflected on the conservatism of Cinci's Catholics. "Now in Chicago," he opined, affecting a mild Mark Twainish drawl, "Jesus would be wearing a Speedo." I nearly lost it.

      I have far, far more respect for Christians like my late mother-in-law who believed in grace by good works and kindness to others rather than proclaiming belief through odd theological bumper stickers.

      I used to have a "Head of the Charles" (major rowing regatta) on my old Chrysler when I lived in Boston, but other than that, no major statements unless my little decal of Bart Simpson as the Devil (plastered on the back of my red Mini-Cooper) is such.

      L's bumper stickers through Baby Fingon are a hoot! I especially like "What happens at grandma's, stays at grandma's." I had a big T-shirt with an "Alien on Board" insignia (yellow sign with a black silhouette of a Giger-monster in the middle) right over the belly which I wore when I was expecting the younger spawn.
      • L's bumper stickers through Baby Fingon are a hoot! I especially like "What happens at grandma's, stays at grandma's."

        Laura likes that one too, because she really believes it has some validity. She is always saying, "You let him play with that??"

        I had a big T-shirt with an "Alien on Board" insignia (yellow sign with a black silhouette of a Giger-monster in the middle) right over the belly which I wore when I was expecting the younger spawn.

        All my friends were upset with me when I got pregnant with Laura because I traveled a lot to strange places and they thought I had just gotten the Avari to a fairly civilized age and was inexplicably starting all over. So, one of them bought me a maternity T-shirt that said "knocked up again" on the front and "yeah, I'm easy" on the back. I refused to wear it at the time. I have more of sense of humor now. Another friend relished in counting off exactly how "old" I would be a various high points in Laura's life (he might have been right about that!).
  • In terms of the "my kid beat up your honor student" sticker, well, you see a lot of those around here. Why? Because so many schools pass out these bumper stickers that say "My child is an honor student!" to all the honor students, so they're on all their parents' cars. And um, egotistical much? So I'm pretty sure that's what those ones are talking about.

    "I brake for elves"... I need that one. :D
  • You know, it's funny ... I *am* a Christian, and I *hate* those bumper stickers mostly because while I know the theology behind the phrases like "washed/covered/whatever in the blood", others do not. And it leaves a bad impression (not to mention total confusion) to lift bits and pieces like that out of context and slap them on a car bumper. Me, I don't have any bumperstickers about my faith--if you get to know me, hopefully you'll see my faith in action in the way I live and treat people. Not in the cutesy slogans on my car.

    The only sticker on my car is a Ron Jon's Surf Shop window decal--and I'd love to have that one that has a picture of Gandalf with "You shall not pass!!" on it. ;)

  • I am popping out of my summertime haze of classes and thesis-researching to note:

    Oh, that first one is so medieval!

    :-)
  • My favorite bumper sticker tale is my friend telling me he put a "Republicans for Voldemort" sticker on his car and some little old ladies in another car flipped him off for it. Wish I could have seen that! :D

    "Dumpin' with the Lord" is too hilarious--it's making me want to adopt "Holy laxative!" as a new exclamation of surprise. ;)
    • "Holy laxative!"

      Ha! And why not? After all, we have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Why not the Sacred Dulcolax of Ingelheim?

      Cambridge (MA) was great for Volvos plastered with all manner of liberal to out-right subversive bumper stickers. Princeton? Not so much.
  • Mmm, bumper stickers that would make Tolkien twitch, i'm sure. I like yours. ;)

    The best Jesus bumper sticker ever, though? "Jesus is coming-- look busy." ;D
  • My Family Is Covered in the Blood of Jesus

    Dude. Srsly? That's like, nasty ...

    But I bet they're card-carryin' members of the local Six Flags Over Jesus church ...
  • The stickers currently on my truck/SUV:

    One "SCA" shield sticker, lower left of the hatch/window; one "Kingdom of Meridies" shield sticker, lower right same window. (Purchased at Border Raids many years ago.) One Braves static sticker on the inside of the window, over the brake light. One "namaste" sticker above that on the outside. One "Buckle Up. It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car." sticker on the right side of the gate; one "Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done." sticker on the left side of the gate. And in the center of the gate, right above the handle, is my prize bumper sticker ... *drumroll* the "Isis Isis Ra Ra Ra" sticker.

    Needless to say, my truck is readily identifiable in a parking lot or anywhere else.
  • Do Not Meddle in the Affairs of Dragons, for You are Crunchy and Good with Ketchup

    I love that!
  • Those bumper stickers are weird. And creepy.

    Can you explain the "my kid beat up your honor student" to a non-American person please? I feel I am missing something here :(. Thanks in advance.

    And if I had a car, I would definitely put the "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons" one on it!
    • Hmm, i think Honor Students are generally students who do really well in school or something, & so the school recognizes them & makes a fuss over it, like sending bumper stickers to the parents that say, 'my child is an honor student at (name of school).' Some cars have three such stickers.

      So i guess the 'my kid beat up your honor student' one is... in opposition to those sort of things in the rudest way possible? I don't know, i much prefer things like, 'my labrador is smarter than your honor student,' if we must sling mud.

      I'm sorry if i didn't explain that too well; i never was one. ;)
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